LIVERPOOL VS MANCHESTER UNITED

Haradona, An employee of Standard Chartered (Liverpool’s shirt sponsors) Singapore, uses the off season to write a play for a global talent contest (within the corporate). The play features two fast friends – one supporting Liverpool and the other supporting Manchester United – watching a game together.

PHONE RINGS

Santa :Hey Banta where are you?
At the store?
Are you coming to see the match together or not?
or just like your team, you not gonna TURN UP, NO SHOW I mean
ok ok
get me some toilet rolls from the store and a newspaper
and come fast

KNOCK KNOCK

Santa : Hi come on in, didn’t the security stop you

Banta : why

Santa : I had told them yesterday no pigs or Manchester United fans around, surprised they didn’t stop!

Banta : They stopped, but I asked them “means you are a fan of that pot bellied Benitez or smuck faced Hodgson?”.. They gave that puzzled look and allowed me in.

Santa : King Kenny man King Kenny … from 17th to 7th you see in a month!

Banta : and stayed 7th for rest of the year…haaah! Besides different benchmarks for different teams you see. For us every year we are thinking whether April is a good month to celebrate our next premiership trophy or May…. Even if we donate 5 points to all teams, they will still not catch us.

Santa : you know why? Because of this.. Officials always favour United, see this picture (picture shows fourth official putting up board for added time which says “UNTIL UNITED SCORE”)… they will give extra time till United score…when united are training how come they get 5mins/6mins extra time… bloody cheats

Banta : We just get time, you guys are caught up in time. our channel name is MUTV, Arsenal have Arsenal TV, Chelsea have Chelsea TV, know whats your Channels- its called History channel … u guys still stuck with history…. To bring u from 17th to 7th u needed old hat Kenny, once he dies, whom you gonna call next? Jesus?

Santa : Proud history, 18 league titles and 5 European championships. The ORIGINAL REDS. And shame on you….blabbering along after the thrashing Barcelona gave you’ll. What a one side Champions League final. That silly Carrick was massaging his neck on half time… ha ha… he needed too… after he was busy looking side to side entire half watching the ball move like a carousel!

Banta : Any idea which competition this Champions league is? To which European country are you travelling next season for a game? 7th placed teams don’t visit Europe you see! The only time you guys will go to Europe is for vacation!!! Ha ha… Offcourse you welcome that… vacation is the only time you start winning …on the playstation…ha ha!

Santa : ok the match starts

Banta : Om Man United Namoh (praying in Hindu style)

Santa : (jumps up) Oh what a miss first minute oh shit

Banta : whats that guys name D$#K CUT? Right?

Santa : DIRK KUYT

Banta : I don’t understand why you’ll purchased him…he cant even commit suicide properly

Santa : Means

Banta : even he tried shooting himself with gun inside his mouth, HE WILL STILL MISS

Santa : Its better than your ROONEY… sleeping around with 2500pound call girls, shameless players utterly digusting role models.. I mean what example he sets for kids

Banta : Well atleast he wins enough to have that kind of money, your guys can only afford Geylang (Singapore’s red light district), and nothing more

Santa : watch the game, the game

BOTH WATCH GAME, BANTA READS PAPERS

Banta : Hey seen the news today?

Santa : no why?

Banta : 2 Premiership footballers have had their houses burgled on the same night. United’s Giggs and Liverpool’s Lucas

Santa : is it serious?

Banta : United’s Ryan Giggs lost 2 Champions League medal, 11 Premiership, 4 FA Cup and 2 League Cup medals

Santa : and Lucas?

Banta : and Liverpool’s Lucas lost a kettle and a toaster!! – ha ha that moron has never won a things, what does he have to lose? Maybe his virginity

Santa : crap

Banta : look at him, look at him, you know how he cluelessly he twists and turns.. just like we do at the bus stop unsure which bus to take..it almost signifies his phone number 983 10 10 10, u can also say 983 won nothing won nothing won nothing .. losers have won nothing at all

BOTH WATCHING MATCH

Santa : cute girl…. Hey see pigeon on the field… I had heard pigeons don’t fly over United’s training ground

Banta : crazy you are

Santa : no I mean even when they fly, they fly upside down

Banta : means

Santa : because its united ground, they refuse to shit over shit

BOTH WATCHING MATCH

Santa : Oh Gerrard has got a penalty.. Why is your coach Ferguson complaining, such a whiner

BOTH TENSE… GERRARD MISSES PENALTY

Banta : Yes he missed…. You know why…..because the only time he scores the goal, you know what happens, you know… he switches off the playstation.. That dumb guy can only win on playstation

Santa : watch the game, the game… your coach is still whinning… why man why.. What’s the difference between Alex Ferguson and a jet engine??

Banta : what

Santa : the jet engine eventually stops whining!!!!

Banta : old jokes

Santa : What’s the difference between your coach Alex Ferguson and God? God doesn’t think he’s Alex Ferguson…but your arogant bastard Alex Ferguson thinks he’s god

Banta : don’t start that

Santa : why not you moron.. Guess what does a three pin plug and Man U got in common?….They’re both useless

Banta : Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? .. They had pictures of Liverpool Players on them … and people couldn’t figure out which side to spit on.

Santa : If you see a Manchester United Fan on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him? It might be your bicycle. ..thieves of the highest order

Banta : What do Liverpool Fans use for birth control? Their personalities… rotten personalities, no one wants to come near them

Santa : “What do Manchester United Fans and sperm have in common?
One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.”

Banta : You know if am trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and a Manchester United Fan and I have a gun with two bullets, you know what I will do…. I will shoot the United Fan….. Twice.

Santa : I prefer not to get into this mindless discussion

Banta : whenever ur coach loses, he speaks like this too…. So simillar all you brats are .. just shut it up

BOTH WATCHING MATCH

Banta : hey hear this news….Officials of Pakistan have claimed that Osama Bin Laden hasn’t been killed and is still alive by showing the leader giving an interview which was said to be live… He said “To prove I am still alive, i saw Liverpool match on saturday, They were complete shite, real shite.”

Santa : stop the crap, is he really alive

Banta : well the British Government has rubbished this evidence and said, “This could have been recorded years ago. Liverpool have been shit for years” … ha ha ha

Santa : Pass me the paper, I asked u to get that… hey I asked for some toilet rolls….did you get them

Banta : No

Santa : Crap, I will need to urgently get it

Banta : Hey I recall you have a Fernando Torres jersey now?

Santa : Yes

Banta : the guy who left for Chelsea, saying he is finally ‘with a top club’

Santa : yes ..so.. Whats your point

Banta : so what I didn’t get the toilet rolls, use the Torres jersey to wipe no….

Santa : you have a crude sense of humour

Banta : Look if you gift that jersey to your Chelsea fan girlfriend, she will feel humiliated
with a liverpool jersey, so might as well use to wipe na

Santa : hah

Banta : maybe instead of abusing Torres, now, you can then courier him that jersey, after wiping!

Santa : that would be fun… when Torres gets it

Banta : That reminds me Torres is in my SCB fantasy league team and I need to kick him out

Santa : I missed playing Standard Chartered Bank fantasy league this year

Banta : You are missing SOMETHING MAAAAN, its an awesome game even if you are not a football addict

Santa : and I wont take Torres in that team too… bloody idiot..doest even know to respect the club which made him a star

Banta : Agree with you, he had no business hinting Liverpool are not a top club. Cmon look at history Liverpool have 18 Premier League titles, 5 European titles,

Banta : And if not for Liverpool, he would have been still rotting in Spain with some bottom half club. Good he went you guys got two top notch strikers and have a better team

Santa : yes, hopefully from here we will just look up

Banta : Standard Chartered sponsorship proved good for Liverpool

Santa : Yes, lets write to the owner, ask them to change the jersey colours to blue and green.. They may win even more too

Banta : But cool place this Standard Chartered is right, you work, you have buses to drop you home early, you can talk and play football in office, play fantasy league, nice big cafeteria

Santa : yes yes lot better than Shitty bank

Banta : And I agree your Manchester United is lot better than Manchester Shitty!!

Santa : ha ha ha

Banta : hey its half time, why don’t we step out for a plate of laksa

Santa : am in mood for chilli crabs!

Banta : Oh yeah, and lets tell the kopitiam guy to fry them red… the Liverpool red

BOTH GO AWAY

Haradona thanks his own buddies for research work and material inputs for this play:
– Aabhas Sharma
– Ashish Singh
– Preetha Adisheshan
– Bireshwar Dasgupta
– Surasit Sachdeva

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